Friday, September 30, 2011

5 Funny Things To Do At Restaurants


1. At a drive-through

Don't say every word. This may seem easy and silly, but most of these places have cameras now, so they can actually see you order. So if you sell it well enough, you can really get people to freak out. Another thing with the camera is that this can either seal the deal OR ruin the whole thing, so make sure you can keep a straight face and sell the fact that you're talking the whole time. Also make sure your friends don't give you away by laughing.

Just pull up to the box normally, you want to start off regularly to put the person at ease.

Drive through person, "Hey, welcome to Jack in the Box, may I help you?"
You, "Hey there. Sorry - just gotta look at this really quick."
Them, "No problem."
Take a beat or two here to "sell it".
You, "Ok, I got it. I'll have----with---and theres----together----whipped-------cheesefries."

There are a couple rules when it comes to this. Primarily it has to sound like if there were words there you would be making a real order. *Experts note - if you get really good at this, adding words that have no place in a drive through like "dinosaur" or "paper mache" can be amazing*. Another big part of this is that you should always end on a concrete word so it sounds like you've completed your thought. Lastly, (and if you can get this down, its really the icing on the cake) put your car in neutral and rev the engine a little bit, or even just pull a tiny bit forward. When the person sees this on their monitor and they know they have no idea what it is you ordered - hopefully you can get them to pull a, "Sir! Sir! Sir! Come back! I'm sorry - we're having a problem with our equipment. What did you order?"

How many times you keep doing this before you actually order food is up to you. Just know it gets harder every time.

2. At a casual restaurant

This is a small one, but it can get quite a nice laugh. 

When the waitress comes to take your drink orders, ask for a list of the sodas that are available at this restaurant. She'll rattle off a quick, memorized list of what they have there. Listen intently and then stop her in the middle with, "The Coke sounds good. What's in that?"

No one knows whats in Coke, and opposed to something like Sprite, where a smart waiter might get off with an answer like "It's just lemon and lime soda." There's no real answer for Coke, unless they say "It's just normal Coke-A-Cola." 

Even that isn't good enough though - because that didn't answer your question. Keep at them until they can give you an answer that you think is fitting. It's important that you have a genuine look on your face this whole time, otherwise they'll just think you're a smarts (which you are).

After it's all said and done, just order a water.

3. At a nice restaurant

 *Full disclosure: This is not my idea. George Carlin came up with this one - but when I read it when I was a kid, it was the spark that ignited the other ideas.*

This one has to be done at a restaurant that is nice enough to have the waiters ask you if you need fresh pepper with your salad.

When your food comes and the waiter asks you if you'll be needing 'any fresh pepper with that", graciously say that you will. In a perfect world you would do this when you're meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time, or you're at a business meeting and the people you're eating aren't in on the joke (better for the joke - bad for real life).

The waiter will start cranking on that good ol pepper mill and you just let him go. Usually, they'll slow down after about 3 to 5 seconds, but motion for them to keep going. They'll give it another couple turns, and once again retract the pepper from your dish because you OBVIOUSLY have enough pepper.

This is when it starts. You HAVE to keep a straight face here - and insist that they keep going. *Each of you will have to figure out how you do this, I prefer to be a little aggressive and maybe even peeved that they won't keep going. I find this makes the waiter less apt to stop in the future.*

After the waiter has been grinding pepper into your Caesar salad for a good 30 seconds, everyone at the table will be looking at you. Just calmly sit there as a light snowfall of pepper turns into a small hill and at about the minute mark, you wave your hand and smile, "Perfect. Thank you sir."

If this works perfectly, someone at the table will look at you and say something like, "Got enough pepper there Cook?" Just smile, stir it slowly into your salad and nod - maybe put in a quip about "that's  how we did in my house as a kid."

This final chapter of this joke is the most important, without it, you just have a disgusting plate of food. Let conversation pick up, and then just take a big bite of your salad (hopefully while the attention is elsewhere). There's going to be so much pepper in that bite that gagging won't be difficult - but if you can, choke horrible and cough/spit the entire bite of salad across the table, chasing it down with huge gulps of water.

The entire table will be in shock, and staring at you. Once you've caught your breath and had enough water, just look up and say, "Wow. Way too much pepper on that salad."

4.  At a fast food place

Really this doesn't have to be a fast food place, just any place where the menu is hung above the order-takers head. 

This one takes more "acting" than any of the others really, cause the more you sell it, the better it is. You're gonna stand a few feet away from the counter and quizzically look at the menu above this person's head for a few moments. What you're hoping is they will ask you if they can help you. You MUST refuse this first offer; say you're still deciding. Throwing in some squinting as you "read" the menu will really help, especially if the person who is about to take your order is watching you. 

Once you're ready, confidently approach the counter and order something that is NOT on the menu.

"Yeah, I'll have the beach burger basket please."

If you throw a point in there, or a nod, like you're actually referencing something on the menu it really helps. The goal of this exercise: is to have the person to do the "did-I-just-hear-you-right?" face and then, HOPEFULLY, look up at the menu to see if Jimmy Johns recently added something called the "Beach Burger Basket". 

If it's works perfectly, you'll get with one of these.

(Looking back and forth from your pointing finger to the menu) "Uh....I think we're out of those."

5. At a casual restaurant

Much like number three, there isn't much to do. But it can usually get a pretty solid reaction from a waiter, and a good laugh from your friends.

When he comes around to ask if you're ready to order, just give a quick once over to the menu, look up him and ask, "What are other people having?"

I've never seen a waiter take this in stride. Usually they hear the first part of the question and assume I'm asking what they would recommend, but once they realize I'm asking what other people are having they just stand there with a confused look on their face.

Feel free to milk this moment for as long as possible. Hopefully they actually look around and start to list off everything that everyone in their section has ordered in the last twenty minutes.

Thats all I have for you guys today. I hope you found these funny. Trust me when I say this, they may sound funny on paper, but these are not nearly as funny in practice. People will hit you with some of the coldest stares in the history of the world.

Hopefully you're still reading at this point (thank you, Mom). I wanted to start having one post a week where I answer any questions you guys had for me. So I set up an email account that you can send questions or comments to. Hopefully enough come in to fill up an entire post - otherwise I'll just start making some up.

The email is

Please give me at least your first name and at the city or state that you're from. No question is off topic, or too personal, or wrong  -- that said, I may not answer you.

I look forward to hearing from you guys, and answering any questions you may have for me.

Have fun out there. Vaya con dios.