Thursday, October 13, 2011

Fast-food Fly-By

On my way to and from the field, I pass about 5 different fast food places (in a 7 minute drive). Today, as I was driving home (yea, I get done with work at 10:30,  doesn't everyone?) I started to think to myself the different types of fast-food and then the different images each one is trying to portray. If you will - join me on my mental excursion.

Everyone knows these guys, the golden arches that mean you won't be following your diet today. McDonalds was so vilified by "Supersize Me" that decided to "change their image". Awwwww, that's adorable. They didn't really change did they? They added "smoothies" and "healthy options" and tried to make their restaurants a better place to hang out - but lets be honest, it's still poison for you body. I don't care if I'm eating a big mac in seedy busstop McDonalds where you can't put the food on the table because it will immediately get contaminated, or if I'm eating it in a two story McDonalds in Santa Monica with a view of the ocean (ya, that exists). The food is still sooooooo bad for you. McDonald's fries used to be the best ever, and now it's like ordering salt with a side of fried potato, its revolting. And my personal favorite, they're trying to take back all the morning people that left to go to Starbucks with the McCafe. Rearry? McCafe? That's the best you got? First off - this is sugar with coffee and cream (the Beastie Boys would be so proud) and second - drinking this does not make me feel like "me time", it makes me "look for the nearest bathroom". Come on McDonalds, you can dress it up all you want - at the end of the day all you're doing is putting frosting on a turd and calling it a cupcake. No sale.

I actually like BK. For me, its just more honest about the poison it's feeding me. I think the stackers are delicious and that gets me going. Also - if you're my age, then you remember when Dane Cook was funny and wasn't "acting" and did the BK Lounge bit, that's good stuff. For my money - I think BK has the best fries in the business right now, but their dessert menu SUCKS. Really, their shakes are just no bueno, and I've never actually seen anyone buy those little cakes they have out. I also like the fact that they got rid of "the King" in order to start showing the "flame broiled" side of Burger King. They did this in an attempt to keep up with the evolving market and keep in stride with the "healthy alternatives".  PS - to any fast-food executives reading this (yes, I know there aren't any). Saying that a burger has gaucolmole on it, or calling it the "California", or using words like "fresh", doesn't make it healthy. That's not how that works.

Stop. Making. The. "Burger God". Commercials. For those who have read my blog before, you may remember my take on the Listerine Commercial from a few weeks back - Carl's Jr is waaaayyyyy worse. Remember the one where they just had Paris Hilton washing a car and then taking one "bite" of a burger? Number one - your food is so bad that you don't advertise it. You can't come up with anything good to say, so you just try to get guys to do the math that Carl's Jr = Paris Hilton. Number two - this is the best acting Paris has ever done. She really sold that she was eating in this commercial, when it's obvious she hadn't eaten in weeks. Carl's Jr is the place you go when you've been driving for 8 hours, and you just passed a sign that said "no food for 400 miles". At that point, if you can't salvage from the land, you can crawl into a CJ and hope for the best. By the way - don't even get me started on this "Green Borrito" business - that place makes Taco Bell look like dinner at the Palm.

I look at Wendy's like the forgotten little sister of the fast food family. I never eat here, their burgers are square. That's not cool. Given, I would eat here before CJ, and frosties are amazing, and they do a good job with the Baconator (how could you mess it up with that amazing name). But then they start doing stuff like "we make baked potatoes" "we use sea salt" "we have chinese food". Stop it. Stooooooopppp. You're fast food, just give me a cheeseburger and regular  fries. No I don't want to hear about your specials, I'm late for going home and playing X Box.

The crown jewel. This place is the best. I love J in the B. I really do believe the ultimate cheeseburger is one of the best burgers out there - that thing is money sauce. And they also changed their fries, so they're amazing now - which is great. I'm not saying it's any better for you. Basically it's all the same garbage, but Jack In the Box has a really good menu - super diverse and it all tastes good to me. Anyone reading this on the east coast will have no idea what I'm talking about, so if the beaches and general awesomeness weren't enough of a reason to visit California, come for the culinary explosion that is Jack In The Box.

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