Wednesday, March 14, 2012
iPhone Apps - A Written Timeline
This is my (and probably some of y'alls) relationship to every app that has ever taken over our lives.
STEP 1 - You See Someone Play It
Either everyone, or just one cool person, is playing a game you've never seen before and because they're evil they play it like someone just gave them an Xbox after only playing that wheel and stick game people played in the old days. Anyway - their joy while playing is so potent that now you know about the game, but you're not near your phone and you don't download it right away.
STEP 2 - This Game Is Stupid
Either because everyone is telling you to do it, and you hate being told what to do, OR because no one invited you when they started playing it last week, you claim that "that game is stupid". This assertion is based on nothing because you've never played it before, you're just angry - kinda the same reason my brother hates Zooey Deschanel. No reason, and he liked her in "Elf", but he won't watch "New Girl"; whatever, his loss - I'm gonna stop calling him every Tuesday night at 7:56.
STEP 3 - You Download It
This was bound happen. When you saw people playing it, you knew that the new Facebook wasn't gonna hold you forever and that one level of Angry Birds will never get 3 stars (yes, you know someone who did it - but you're pretty sure they're a horrible cheater). So you download it, usually not telling anyone, or playing someone that isn't part of the crowd you're currently hanging out with, "Oh yea, random person I haven't talked to since 4th grade before I moved to Indianapolis because my dad was the strong man in the circus but the tent burned down and he had to start working at the toothpaste plant which I thought was a huge plant that grew toothpaste, lets share really bad drawings and reconnect." (I like to give my imaginary characters a little background)
STEP 4 - Crack
Someone sign you up for "Strange Addictions". You've cut a million watermelons in fruit ninja, but you don't have every achievement yet, so you won't sleep for a week. The only way your girl or boyfriend is going to be able to talk to you is if they message you in the game of Words With Friends you two have going. Your called one of the interns into your office cause you heard they unlocked the football player in Temple Run, and you hear he slides funny, and you wanna see it.
STEP 5 - Recruitment/Promotion
You feel like the guys in "Independence Day", just firing everything you got at this indestructible-mothership-app. Facebook status updates, tweets, emails, a bbm, two instragram posts, you got a vanity plate and you even put a message in a bottle and threw it into your own pool. Everyone must know three things 1) You're amazing at this game. 2) You're "totally addicted. lol. :). PLAY ME NOW". 3) *Fill Name In Here* is totally a cheater cause there's no way they guessed 'entanglement' with only one balloon gone.
STEP 5 - App Hangover
Apparently all your friends have now gotten to Step 4 and it's not classy. Gimme like 5 or 10 seconds before you draw me right back, and PS - how did you possibly draw Lionel Richie that fast? You've been inundated, and just like the great Tony Montana, you have grown too far too fast, and can't keep up with your own app monster. But unlike Tony Montana, you have no little friend, cause you haven't talked to a real human in two weeks.
STEP 6 - Cold Turkey
You eat a lot of cold turkey, it's delicious.
STEP 7 - You Stop Playing The App
You can't take it anymore, you're unscrambling your ceiling when you're trying to go sleep at night, you would totally guess "taco" if someone drew a purple bell and a dog, you blocked your mom for calling you during a game of Temple Run. You don't unistall the app just yet, you just put it in a little box with Doodle Jump and Tetris Lite. But that box is on your 6th screen and that's like the attic - you only go up there if your dad makes you get the Christmas lights.
STEP 8 - There's A New App
OHMYGOD!! Are you super serious!! You JUST quit that other app! You don't care how much fun it looks, you're totally never gonna download that, it looks totally stupid....wait a minute.
Basically this is what happens to me every time I see a new app - yes I have a problem, but I've addressed it and that means I only have 11 steps left (I wonder if sarcasm is a step?). I'm sure some of y'all can relate to this, and hopefully one or two got a chuckle from this.
I'm loving the Arizona warmth, but the dryness is getting to me a little bit (I miss my ocean breezes). Have a good day out there, follow me on Twitter (@C_M_Cook) and tweet at me or email if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for the blog (firstname.lastname@example.org). Over and out from Goodyear - GO TRIBE.
Posted by Cole Cook at 4:13 PM