Cole vs. Commercials

I know it's been so long since I last blogged, but y'all are adults you can get over it. To my younger readers, I've scarred you for life and I'm sorry.

I've been watching a lot of TV recently (cause I use my time wisely) and I've noticed that I really don't commercials. It's not just that they interrupt "Design on a Dime", its because they lie to me. Lend me your ears...

Top 5 Ways Commercials Lie

1. Chefs
There are three commercials I can think of right now that blatantly lie about the kitchen staff.
Theres the Taco Bell one where the black Iron Chef is doing half cooking, half Cirque de Soleil while making a flat bread. Ok, I've seen the guys who work in the back at Taco Bell, I'm sure y'all have too. They look more likely to be facing the three strike rule, or studying for their second crack at the GED than to be doing knife tricks with cheese blocks.
Then there's the one about Red Lobster that has the girl and the guy chef talking to you as their making lobster stuffed steak (nothing says 'high class' like Frankenstein food). The first problem I have is those people are wayyyyyy to good looking to be working at Red Lobster cooking food, no sale. Second, that kitchen looks like it's the size of some houses I've seen, and Gordon Ramsey himself couldn't find one problem with it. If that's what every Red Lobster kitchen looked like on the inside, I doubt you'd be able to find an 8 dollar steak there.
Finally, the Lindt chocolate commercial where we watch some overly happy chocolate maker whisk this chocolate around like it's his very own version of heaven (seriously, if you've seen that commercial, he's looking at that chocolate in a way that if the truffle was a child - I'm calling child services). Also, those horrible Lindt truffles are pumped out in some factory in Peru. If those are being made by hand - hire better cooks.

2.Walmart Ads
Walmart just announced that it's bringing layaway back for the holidays. So they have these ads where  these people shopping are hoping layaway is back, so they can buy all the things that their children want for Christmas. Only, the people in these commercials are dressed like they own Rodeo Dr. Ummmmm...there's an entire website dedicated to how crazy the people at Walmart look, why don't we put a guy who came in wearing a duck shaped floaty on the commercial? Or a woman who is apparently wearing her anorexic daughter's tube top to the store? These are the real people of Walmart, not some dude wearing a watch that costs more than my rent.

3. ANYONE in an Airplane
NO. No no no no no. No one travels well. I'm sorry, that's a fact. Plenty of people like to travel. And some people are really good at it. But lets get serious for a second with each other - no one is having a good time on an airplane. The air feels like you're under the covers and someone just farted. The seats are tiny (given I'm a giant) but no one has ever sat down in those seats and gone, "Wow, I hope we're delayed so I can sit here another 9 hours." People on planes in commercials are smiling and stretching out and getting free bags of chips. In reality people are just waiting until the roof flies off and wondering if flapping their arms will really help, cause in the event of a "water landing" those little bubble slides are helping exactly no people.

4. Diet Drinks
They don't taste the same. Stop pretending that they do. Stop trying to make them taste the same. If you're on a diet you've already decided that you're not going to eat anything worth eating - so you're not gonna be let down when Diet Dr Pepper tastes like dirt with bubbles. And yes, I get that people love Diet Coke, but that doesn't mean it tastes good. People love crack too, but I'm not begging for a hit. If I see one more commercial talking about how this newest zero calorie drink tastes just like its horrible, sugar-poisoning counterpart...well I'm not really going to do anything. I might mute the TV (but that button on the remote always takes like ten tries before it finally works).

5. Customer Service
Basically the same deal as airplanes. No one smiles when getting phone calls from angry customers. "Well Cole, what about when people call with a compliment?" WHAT? We're a society who thinks McDonalds is too slow, so we opt for the drive-through. There's no way in hell we're going to stop and call Time Warner to tell them that their DVR service is doing a really good job. And I'm tired of seeing a bunch of women in well lit offices dressed like they're sponsored by Banana Republic in these commercials. Half the time I call one of the lines, I get a guy with an Indian accent telling me his name is Frank and saying, "I'm berry happy to be helping with you."


I guess my point is that I'm tired of the lies. Just shoot us straight - gimme a kid with pimples scooping a ladle full of chicken mush into a flatbread and throwing it into the microwave, maybe it'll make me think twice about going next time. Give me the crying baby on the flight for 5 hours and the iPad that ran out of battery cause I forgot to charge it last night. Give me someone taking a long gulp from a Diet Snapple and spitting it into their dates face. Give me a guy with a beard painted red, white and blue searching the city block that is Walmart for a person to help them layaway a crossbow. Give me an angry black woman yelling into a phone assuring the customer that him throwing a basketball at their satellite is not her problem. These are real ads. Real ads for real people. That's the dream I dream.

Also less cancer.

Tattoos

I was out the other night with my buddy, and we were talking to a couple girls at a bar. There were three girls in total, but one was doing a great impression of a pissed off mute chick. The subject of tattoos came up and I was asked if I had any, I said I did and before the girl who asked the question could answer, the girl who had been silent chimed in. "You know those tattoos are just gonna look disgusting when you're 70 right?"

I'm telling you guys, it took all the will power I had to not say, "You know your face looks disgusting NOW right?"

But I didn't. I refrained. In fact, I just smiled and nodded and said something about maybe not making it to 70 and carried on having a conversation without the Grinch who stole Christmas.

This little anecdote got me to thinking about what my tattoos will look like when I'm older, because I've heard that argument before - and it's not wrong. My family crest will be a great impression of "Starry Night" by the time I'm blowing out the candles on my 90th birthday cake.

Though, here's my rebuttal. Since I was 16, I've dedicated my entire life to baseball. That does mean that I've spent a lot of time getting into shape, and eating healthy (well not healthy, but eating), and overall trying to maintain a level of fitness that will support the game. But conversely, it's been 7 years of 11 months out of the year, training and sliding and throwing and hitting and all that fun stuff that comes with it. By the time I'm 70 I'm gonna be far more concerned if I will be able to lift my arm to shake hands than what my tattoos are gonna look like. I think every bone in my body already cracks, and I'm 23. I can crack all my fingers, my ankle, my wrist, my neck - if they had Olympics I'd definitely medal.

Finally, the disgusting blue drinks, she-devil was drinking that night are going to do far more harm than my body art will. And so, I will keep decorating my body in the way I see fit, and always taking care to follow my mother's rule (actually her rule is don't get any) that all my tattoos must be covered with a t-shirt. Can do mom - I'm going for the leg next anyway.

Internet Feuds

Guys - I was on YouTube yesterday looking around for new videos to make me laugh (after a while I just settled on watching about 2 hours worth of "Whose Line" clips). But in my travels around cyberspace I stumbled upon something that has always bothered me - and I thought I would share it with you now.

The issue today is internet feuds via comments. I'm telling you guys - nothing is more ridiculous than two strangers going back and forth on some forum trying to make the other person feel stupid about arguing on the internet. It's the ultimate practice in absurdity. I wish I could post some of the stuff that is said on these arguments, but I try to keep this blog PG and just like Xbox Live - the most depraved stuff in the world is said online.  Nothing is sacred, no slur or jab is ever too far, no threat is too severe. It's all just thrown out there - like a verbal yelling match across the entire span of the internet. And the best part is, no one will ever win it. That's where my problem lies.

There are videos on YouTube that "coach" kids on baseball (I'm sure there are also ones for basketball and football and soccer and everything else, but I don't watch those). As somewhat of an expert on the topic, I have to say - no one should ever teach their kid anything about baseball that they learned on YouTube. Almost every video is so harmful or pigeon-holed that it is sure to do much more harm than good.

That may be off the point - but trust me, I'm getting to it. The comments on these videos are priceless. People weighing in from each and every point of view, and from what I can tell, almost no one being right about any of what they're saying. Now, a logical response might be, "Cole. Since you have knowledge of the subject, why don't you respond and try to shed light on the conversation?" But see - if you join them, then you no longer can talk about how absurd what they are doing is. And furthermore, anyone can claim to be anyone online, and people are ruthless about tearing down arguments and calling people out for being frauds.

I just think it's so funny that people get so caught up in the ramblings of other people they find it neccecary to hop online and join the conversation that made them angry in the first place. To me, it's a little bit like people constantly Tweeting or Facebooking about how they wish people would shut about the Kardashian divorce. WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOURSELF AND STOP POSTING ABOUT IT?

That's all I had for you guys today. Maybe it's ironic that I ultimately took to the internet to format this argument. But at least I didn't take it to the comment page on the nearest YouTube video - that's gotta count for something right?

First Day of Preseason

It's preseason time - for me that means putting the trips around the country and the late nights out on hold (or at least to a minimum) and getting ready for another spring training and season. Preseason, I think, is more important than any other part of our season - it allows us 4 full months to get our bodies in shape to abuse them for the 7 month season.

Our season is a long one and strenuous one. It's true that the Big League season is about a month longer, but they also get about one off day a week and travel on planes. In a profession where your money comes from your ability to use your body - you better have that instrument finely tuned.

This is what makes our job a hard one in my mind (obviously playing baseball at a professional level is also hard from a competitive standpoint). But it's more the fact that from about September to March, minor leaguers are mostly on their own to do what they want, and it's up to us to be ready for Spring Training. It's a tough thing to do to motivate yourself to get up and go to the gym 4 times a week (for anyone who has ever wanted to get into shape - you know what I'm talking about). I don't wanna give the wrong impression though, the toughest part of my life right now is going to the gym 4 times a week - I'll be just fine.

The position players may start taking grounders and swinging the bat again by now. Some in local batting cages where they're going to become a very familiar face, and some in local parks where the little fences won't help them save money on baseballs. Pitchers are mostly focusing on working out - putting on as much muscle as they can from knees to chest - getting all the power they'll inevitably use up in the months of season. When the calendar changes to 2012, you'll start seeing more and more of us playing catch, brushing the dust and cobwebs off our arms in the preverbal migration toward Spring Training.

I just wanted to post quickly about what it means to be in preseason mode. The World Series ended this past weekend (and what a great one it was) - but with hilights still playing on ESPN about six thousand minor leaguers went back to work trying to be one of the players in next year's Series. Our job may not be year round in terms of games, and we may not have normal hours. But next time you see a 20-something kid in your local gym wearing short that look like official MLB issue - he may be working at throwing a little harder, making the first step a little bit quicker, or getting last years doubles over the fence in 2012.

Why Golf Drives Me Crazy

In my expansive amount of time in the off season, I've decided to take up golf. This was supposed to be a fun endeavor that would be as easy as playing Tiger Woods on my XBox. Not so.

I've been an athlete my entire life, and for some reason the simple act of hitting a ball thats laying calmly on the ground eludes me. I'll pull off the ball and miss it entirely, or jump up and just hit the very top of the ball, or my personal favorite, hit it about 50 yards straight and then watch it slice like a Mariano cutter. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hanging up the sticks yet. The feeling of hitting a ball pure is so seductive that even if I just hit one ball well out of an entire range bucket - I'm still gonna go back for more. I would just like to point out the difference in how easy it looks and how hard it is. 

I don't think this really applies to any other sport. The moves that DRose pulls on a basketball court look really hard to me. Kobe going up and under looks really impressive and by watching I know I can't do that. Ray Lewis pummeling some poor WR crossing over the middle is enough for me never to want to play in the NFL, and I simply can't skate well enough (plus I like my teeth) to play in the NHL. Basically that leaves baseball (which although I can do - I rarely think looks like something someone could just pick it up) and soccer (which seems easy in theory and then just exhausting in practice).

Then you have golf. I don't think just cause some guys on TV can do it, I can drive 350. I don't think I can make shots over a tree with backspin that fades around a helicopter and hits the flag - that's not what I was misunderstood about. The misunderstanding comes when I figured that because I can hit a baseball pretty well, I should darn sure be able to hit a tiny little golf ball while it just sits there. And let me tell you, when you can't hit it - there is nothing more taunting about a golfball that you just swung and missed at. I'm pretty sure if you listen closely you can hear it say "Na Nana Nana Naaaa. You can't hit meeee."

But now I've been cured of this idea that it's easy and have now joined the ranks of all the other desperate humans determined to prove to themselves that they're not so unatheletic that they can't play what looks like the easiest game in the world. I think at the end of the day, that's what draws people to golf. Not the open air, or the spacious courses, or the good times with friends - its the nagging thought that anyone who can walk and chew gum at the same time should have the wherewithal to hit a ball in a straight line at a little flag a few hundred yards away. 

The X Factor

I'm almost over the X Factor guys. It's almost lost me, tomorrow's episode better blow me out of my socks - or I'll join basically everyone else who just doesn't care anymore. For those of you that watch the show, you might know why I'm ranting about this - but for those that don't, please let me explain it to you.

I used to tune in to the show to watch people sing beautifully and watch as people were publicly ridiculed for being ridiculous (basically my perfect show). But now that it's gone past the auditions, and to the judges homes, I've basically become bored. For a little bit, I was into it, but now the songs are boring and the excitement of having someone just blow the doors off a concert hall with their voice is gone.

Finally, the most reason last week's episode might be my last is the fact that it took the producers two full hours to drop 16 people out of 32. Do you know how long it would take me to tell 16 people that they're not gonna make it? I could do it in 3 seconds.

"Alright, you 16 aren't coming. Everyone else - start singing for 5 Million dollars."

This was not the way the X Factor producers decided to do it. They decided to see how long they could keep a camera on someones face without them doing anything. There must have been 15 minutes of just watching people stare at one another. I've never  seen such a brilliant waste of time as I've seen in these last couple weeks of X Factor. The also keep introducing each person by showing footage that people have already seen (usually of their past auditions), and then instead of just letting us watch the news, they let the whole interaction take the better of 5 minutes of air time.

If tomorrow's episode doesn't straighten up - I'm over the show. I'll move on to something else and maybe watch the YouTube clips if I hear someone sang something really amazing. But I'm over watching a 2 hour show that has about 20 minutes of real action in it. Plus, I'm kinda disappointed if these 16 people are really the best in the nation. That's just a poor showing.

HGTV

I've been hooked. I have fallen in love with HGTV and now, instead of cartoons or sports center when I wake up - I watch HGTV. Also, sports center sucks nowadays. I watched the World Series, I don't need the hilights. Football this far from Sunday is boring cause it's just people yelling at each over points that no one cares about in the first place. And I can't pronounce any of the Hockey players names.

I woke up this morning and a show called "Design on a Dime" was on. I've now been watching it for close to an hour (apparently it's one of those shows that they just run for 9 hours in the morning). For those of you who don't know the show, the premise is that a HGTV personality is brought in and asked to redesign a room in a house for one thousand dollars (NOT a dime, which is ten cents still). With that being the case - let me point out some things I saw.

1. Cost -
The show has 3  people that are leading up the renovation, and all of them are professional craftsmen and decorators or designers. This may strike you as obvious because after all, it is a show on TV and professionals make the best workers. But here is my concern - when I have a guy that is constructing a wooden lodge-type chandelier out of drift wood he "found" and floral wire, I have a problem understanding how it would cost me 45 bucks to do the same thing. No sir, it's only 45 bucks worth of materials maybe, but what would it cost to have you build it? Cause while you were learning how to bejewel a chandelier I was learning what do with a bunt down the third base line with men on first and second and one out.

I get that the whole show is based on the pretense that these types of renovations don't have to be as expensive or intrusive as one might think and "anyone can have their dream house". But in reality - you would need to hire 3 very motivated, connected, and talented professionals to come do the work for you , which I'm sure will put you over your $1000 total right off the bat. I don't know how to build a subfloor, so it won't cost me 80 dollars.

2. "Faux"
Faux means fake. That's what that means. It's French, and the English translation is 'fake'. Now, some people may be well aware of that fact - but it appears that no one on this show is. I've never seen people more excited about their "faux rock wall". Ummmmm - that means that someone hung vinyl wall paper up with ugly pictures of "rocks" on it. That does not mean you just got a piece of the Louvre to bring home. But hey, French is a nice language and it it brings a smile to these people's faces then it's good for TV and good for the show. Just remember, "omnia dicta fortiori, si dicta Latina" (look it up).


3. Reaction
Most of the time the people love the space and truly, the designers did a really good job, but I secretly hope that someone comes into the room and just vomits on the floor in disgust. I think it would be so funny to see the look on someones face when they've been completely betrayed by what their house just turned into  - and maybe even more priceless would be the look on the host's face as he tried to convince them that they'd like it eventually and this is exactly what they wanted. I'm just weird like this, I'm also PRAYING that one day when the mascot races the little kid around the bases - he beats the beats the kid by an entire base length. *For those of you who have never been to a minor league baseball game - that last sentence didn't make any sense*


Thanks for tuning in, as always. I'm back in LA now, and will probably only be posting a couple times a week now (I can hear you cry). As always, if you have any questions or comments, go ahead and leave them on the blog or email me at colecook.soc@gmail.com. 


Have fun out there.