How I Planned To Use Yoga To Pick Up Girls, And How It Might Be The Best Thing For Me

Ya - so there it is, I first thought about going to yoga to meet women, sue me. I figured, I'm an athlete, I'm pretty strong, I should be able to impress some cute girls and walk away from this like the breeze that it is.

That was at about 11:22. By 1:05, when the class was over, you can go ahead and color me disappointed. It turns out, being strong in a weight room has almost nothing to do with being good at yoga, and nothing is as pathetic as being the guy falling out of tree pose and just laying on his matt until he catches his breath again.  Safe to say no women were interested in me at all, and I actually took the next day off of lifting with my trainer.

90 minutes in a little second floor yoga studio off 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, and I've learned one very important lesson - I will have to practice a lot more to be able to pick up women doing yoga.

In retrospect, I may have completely missed the lesson that was to be learned form that experience.

Flash forward almost two years and I'm now I'm about as bought-in as you possibly can be to yoga. I think it may just be the best thing out for your body, and you can bet I'll be doing it every other day throughout the season and 3 or 4 times a week during the offseason. I literally have not come across a better whole better workout that is better at strengthening muscles in what I believe is the right way, and also centering someone so completely. I ADORE the feeling that you get after doing even a quick 5 minute yoga stretch.

Yes, I do realize I'm coming off as one of those crazy Californians that can't stop blabbering about yoga, and how good it is for you, and the next thing you know I'll have you try some of my whole grain, nonfat, all natural, wheet grass and tofu birthday cake that I made for my pet turtle who happens to be a rescue. Trust me, it's not gonna get that far - I'm just sharing a point of view, and using a little bit of a personal anecdote as the jumping off point, that is all. That's what this whole blog is about people - just me saying things and hopefully you reading them. And then even more hopefully, you enjoying them

So far, I've gotten better at down dog, and my offseason yoga goal of finally finding that pose to be relaxing is basically achieved (I say basically, cause it's really not, but I'm getting better). I do some day wanna be one of those people that are just so impressive to watch that you really do just wanna spend the entire class in child's pose and watch them while they seamlessly transition from pose to pose like some kind of half muscle, half water, yoga-creature that apparently isn't following the same rules of physics and body movement that you are.

Till then, I'll keep rolling out my pink matt (ya, it's pink, what about it?) and ending in Namaste till the day that I'm finally impressive in a studio. And until that day comes, I will keep watching the video I posted below in complete wonder and awe and pray that one day I'll be half this good (kinda the same way I am when I watch old videos of Clemens pitch).

Have a good one y'all, follow me on twitter (@C_M_Cook) and feel free to email with any questions or comments or whatever (colecook.soc@gmail.com). Wishing you a good day from Goodyear. Go Tribe!

Spring Training 2012

It's officially here people - Spring Training has started and almost everyone has shown up. The big leaguers have been here for a while (games started yesterday), minor league pitchers and catcher s start tomorrow (that includes me) and as always - hitters will be showing up fashionably late (they report the 9th). Baseball is in the air again and the worst part of the year (after the Superbowl and before Spring Training) is officially over. Finally there's baseball back on TV and everything seems better. The immortal question of, 'What comes first, baseball or the sun?' will once-again be pondered by every fan of the double play and the gap double.

Like I said a couple months ago - my blog is once again gonna be updated now that baseball is back and I have some kind of structure in my life. I'll try to get the blogs up by the early afternoon here so that the east coast people can read it before it gets too late (I do know my target audience, after all), and I'll try to update it 4 or 5 times a week so y'all have something to do when you're "working". 

For those of y'all that are super perceptive (or actually even just good at memory and reading), I did indeed change the name of the blog - it's now Cole Cook's Dugout Chatter. I feel that's much more fitting and I also did that always brilliant thing of where I work a baseball-type saying into the title of my blog so it's kind of a play on words and people just assume there will be more of that high-brow twisting of language in the pros to come and they simply cannot keep themselves from reading on. Also, it makes sense cause if you've ever been to a game where I'm not playing you will hear me loud and clear across the diamond chirping at my teammates. 

There's not much to report so far here. I've been here since Monday, just getting my feet wet, throwing and lifting at the facility - making sure I'm as ready as possible for the next month in head of you. I feel really good right now, had a very successful offseason in my eyes - got stronger, looked after my arm, did some traveling, soaked up that life-giving SoCal sun and now I have my eye's on the prize. 

Thanks for tuning in for my grand re-opening as it were, more to come I promise you. Follow me on twitter, @C_M_Cook, shoot me an email with questions or comments colecook.soc@gmail.com, or comment of the blog itself. Have a good weekend, and Go Tribe! 

"Surviving the Cut"

Since our attempt at a viral video is currently scalding in the flames of ineptitude, I turn my blog back to writing. In my abundance of free time I often peruse Netflix for things to watch. Those of you who know me, or have read my blog, may understand my deep seated love for cinema or basically any movie picture. There's almost nothing better than diving into a well constructed movie, it has the ability to transport you wholly to another place, feeling, or time.

This is the feeling I was chasing a couple of nights ago when I stumbled on the Discovery Channel program, "Surviving the Cut". Now, it's not a movie, its an hour long TV series that follows the members the military's top specialist schools through their training. Basically it's hour long show that illustrates why the Armed Forces are not to be f*&^ with. 

What compelled me to write today's entry was the awe I felt while watching these men go through training. As someone who has been through many a training course, I fancy myself a fairly tough individual. I think I can overcome most obstacles and through pitching, I've been able to hone my mental toughness fairly well. But I watch these shows and come to one simple conclusion - "I can't do that." 

That may be an obvious realization for most of you, but for me it was a tough thing to realize. It's hard when you're entire life is based around how well you can perform and you are watching people do something that you don't think you're able to do. The thing that led me to this place was the 'non-stop' aspect of the exercises. I might be able to physically perform each exercise that these guys are doing, but I wouldn't be able to do on 2 hours sleep, with no food in my stomach, and some Sergeant yelling my ear off (I don't respond well to negative reenforcement). 

These men are pushed well beyond the limit of normal human output. 20 hour days of absolutely grueling physical torment. Mental tests that are so near impossible that it's almost hard to watch people undertake them. Water training that makes even a good swimmer like myself understand just how adept these men are in the water. It's an experience that is stunning to watch. Most of the schools have a drop-out rate at or over 50%. I implore you, if you have Netflix, you should really check it out. It's some of the most inspirational and powerful human drama you're ever likely to see.

Today was short, but if reading this was better than not reading this - then I feel fine. Have a good week y'all. The Holidays are right around the corner, put your nose down and dig through the drudgery. If there's one lesson to be learned from the men on this show it's that hard work and an unwillingness to quit will get you far.

"Free Time" Video

Just a little preface... My roommate and college teammatem, Matt Bywater (@mattbywater on twitter) spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with our abundance of free time in the off season. If you follow one or both of us on twitter, you'll know we've gone on way too many man dates for a normal platonic couple - but boredom makes people do crazy things (like going see "Breaking Dawn" at 1:30 in the afternoon). Anyway, this video came out of that boredom and it's by far the best thing that has come out of it yet. We stumbled upon this little trick when we were waiting for some friends to come over, and then spent an entire week planning out and executing shots all over our apartment.

Enjoy.

Cole vs. Commercials

I know it's been so long since I last blogged, but y'all are adults you can get over it. To my younger readers, I've scarred you for life and I'm sorry.

I've been watching a lot of TV recently (cause I use my time wisely) and I've noticed that I really don't commercials. It's not just that they interrupt "Design on a Dime", its because they lie to me. Lend me your ears...

Top 5 Ways Commercials Lie

1. Chefs
There are three commercials I can think of right now that blatantly lie about the kitchen staff.
Theres the Taco Bell one where the black Iron Chef is doing half cooking, half Cirque de Soleil while making a flat bread. Ok, I've seen the guys who work in the back at Taco Bell, I'm sure y'all have too. They look more likely to be facing the three strike rule, or studying for their second crack at the GED than to be doing knife tricks with cheese blocks.
Then there's the one about Red Lobster that has the girl and the guy chef talking to you as their making lobster stuffed steak (nothing says 'high class' like Frankenstein food). The first problem I have is those people are wayyyyyy to good looking to be working at Red Lobster cooking food, no sale. Second, that kitchen looks like it's the size of some houses I've seen, and Gordon Ramsey himself couldn't find one problem with it. If that's what every Red Lobster kitchen looked like on the inside, I doubt you'd be able to find an 8 dollar steak there.
Finally, the Lindt chocolate commercial where we watch some overly happy chocolate maker whisk this chocolate around like it's his very own version of heaven (seriously, if you've seen that commercial, he's looking at that chocolate in a way that if the truffle was a child - I'm calling child services). Also, those horrible Lindt truffles are pumped out in some factory in Peru. If those are being made by hand - hire better cooks.

2.Walmart Ads
Walmart just announced that it's bringing layaway back for the holidays. So they have these ads where  these people shopping are hoping layaway is back, so they can buy all the things that their children want for Christmas. Only, the people in these commercials are dressed like they own Rodeo Dr. Ummmmm...there's an entire website dedicated to how crazy the people at Walmart look, why don't we put a guy who came in wearing a duck shaped floaty on the commercial? Or a woman who is apparently wearing her anorexic daughter's tube top to the store? These are the real people of Walmart, not some dude wearing a watch that costs more than my rent.

3. ANYONE in an Airplane
NO. No no no no no. No one travels well. I'm sorry, that's a fact. Plenty of people like to travel. And some people are really good at it. But lets get serious for a second with each other - no one is having a good time on an airplane. The air feels like you're under the covers and someone just farted. The seats are tiny (given I'm a giant) but no one has ever sat down in those seats and gone, "Wow, I hope we're delayed so I can sit here another 9 hours." People on planes in commercials are smiling and stretching out and getting free bags of chips. In reality people are just waiting until the roof flies off and wondering if flapping their arms will really help, cause in the event of a "water landing" those little bubble slides are helping exactly no people.

4. Diet Drinks
They don't taste the same. Stop pretending that they do. Stop trying to make them taste the same. If you're on a diet you've already decided that you're not going to eat anything worth eating - so you're not gonna be let down when Diet Dr Pepper tastes like dirt with bubbles. And yes, I get that people love Diet Coke, but that doesn't mean it tastes good. People love crack too, but I'm not begging for a hit. If I see one more commercial talking about how this newest zero calorie drink tastes just like its horrible, sugar-poisoning counterpart...well I'm not really going to do anything. I might mute the TV (but that button on the remote always takes like ten tries before it finally works).

5. Customer Service
Basically the same deal as airplanes. No one smiles when getting phone calls from angry customers. "Well Cole, what about when people call with a compliment?" WHAT? We're a society who thinks McDonalds is too slow, so we opt for the drive-through. There's no way in hell we're going to stop and call Time Warner to tell them that their DVR service is doing a really good job. And I'm tired of seeing a bunch of women in well lit offices dressed like they're sponsored by Banana Republic in these commercials. Half the time I call one of the lines, I get a guy with an Indian accent telling me his name is Frank and saying, "I'm berry happy to be helping with you."


I guess my point is that I'm tired of the lies. Just shoot us straight - gimme a kid with pimples scooping a ladle full of chicken mush into a flatbread and throwing it into the microwave, maybe it'll make me think twice about going next time. Give me the crying baby on the flight for 5 hours and the iPad that ran out of battery cause I forgot to charge it last night. Give me someone taking a long gulp from a Diet Snapple and spitting it into their dates face. Give me a guy with a beard painted red, white and blue searching the city block that is Walmart for a person to help them layaway a crossbow. Give me an angry black woman yelling into a phone assuring the customer that him throwing a basketball at their satellite is not her problem. These are real ads. Real ads for real people. That's the dream I dream.

Also less cancer.

Tattoos

I was out the other night with my buddy, and we were talking to a couple girls at a bar. There were three girls in total, but one was doing a great impression of a pissed off mute chick. The subject of tattoos came up and I was asked if I had any, I said I did and before the girl who asked the question could answer, the girl who had been silent chimed in. "You know those tattoos are just gonna look disgusting when you're 70 right?"

I'm telling you guys, it took all the will power I had to not say, "You know your face looks disgusting NOW right?"

But I didn't. I refrained. In fact, I just smiled and nodded and said something about maybe not making it to 70 and carried on having a conversation without the Grinch who stole Christmas.

This little anecdote got me to thinking about what my tattoos will look like when I'm older, because I've heard that argument before - and it's not wrong. My family crest will be a great impression of "Starry Night" by the time I'm blowing out the candles on my 90th birthday cake.

Though, here's my rebuttal. Since I was 16, I've dedicated my entire life to baseball. That does mean that I've spent a lot of time getting into shape, and eating healthy (well not healthy, but eating), and overall trying to maintain a level of fitness that will support the game. But conversely, it's been 7 years of 11 months out of the year, training and sliding and throwing and hitting and all that fun stuff that comes with it. By the time I'm 70 I'm gonna be far more concerned if I will be able to lift my arm to shake hands than what my tattoos are gonna look like. I think every bone in my body already cracks, and I'm 23. I can crack all my fingers, my ankle, my wrist, my neck - if they had Olympics I'd definitely medal.

Finally, the disgusting blue drinks, she-devil was drinking that night are going to do far more harm than my body art will. And so, I will keep decorating my body in the way I see fit, and always taking care to follow my mother's rule (actually her rule is don't get any) that all my tattoos must be covered with a t-shirt. Can do mom - I'm going for the leg next anyway.

Internet Feuds

Guys - I was on YouTube yesterday looking around for new videos to make me laugh (after a while I just settled on watching about 2 hours worth of "Whose Line" clips). But in my travels around cyberspace I stumbled upon something that has always bothered me - and I thought I would share it with you now.

The issue today is internet feuds via comments. I'm telling you guys - nothing is more ridiculous than two strangers going back and forth on some forum trying to make the other person feel stupid about arguing on the internet. It's the ultimate practice in absurdity. I wish I could post some of the stuff that is said on these arguments, but I try to keep this blog PG and just like Xbox Live - the most depraved stuff in the world is said online.  Nothing is sacred, no slur or jab is ever too far, no threat is too severe. It's all just thrown out there - like a verbal yelling match across the entire span of the internet. And the best part is, no one will ever win it. That's where my problem lies.

There are videos on YouTube that "coach" kids on baseball (I'm sure there are also ones for basketball and football and soccer and everything else, but I don't watch those). As somewhat of an expert on the topic, I have to say - no one should ever teach their kid anything about baseball that they learned on YouTube. Almost every video is so harmful or pigeon-holed that it is sure to do much more harm than good.

That may be off the point - but trust me, I'm getting to it. The comments on these videos are priceless. People weighing in from each and every point of view, and from what I can tell, almost no one being right about any of what they're saying. Now, a logical response might be, "Cole. Since you have knowledge of the subject, why don't you respond and try to shed light on the conversation?" But see - if you join them, then you no longer can talk about how absurd what they are doing is. And furthermore, anyone can claim to be anyone online, and people are ruthless about tearing down arguments and calling people out for being frauds.

I just think it's so funny that people get so caught up in the ramblings of other people they find it neccecary to hop online and join the conversation that made them angry in the first place. To me, it's a little bit like people constantly Tweeting or Facebooking about how they wish people would shut about the Kardashian divorce. WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOURSELF AND STOP POSTING ABOUT IT?

That's all I had for you guys today. Maybe it's ironic that I ultimately took to the internet to format this argument. But at least I didn't take it to the comment page on the nearest YouTube video - that's gotta count for something right?