Internet Feuds

Guys - I was on YouTube yesterday looking around for new videos to make me laugh (after a while I just settled on watching about 2 hours worth of "Whose Line" clips). But in my travels around cyberspace I stumbled upon something that has always bothered me - and I thought I would share it with you now.

The issue today is internet feuds via comments. I'm telling you guys - nothing is more ridiculous than two strangers going back and forth on some forum trying to make the other person feel stupid about arguing on the internet. It's the ultimate practice in absurdity. I wish I could post some of the stuff that is said on these arguments, but I try to keep this blog PG and just like Xbox Live - the most depraved stuff in the world is said online.  Nothing is sacred, no slur or jab is ever too far, no threat is too severe. It's all just thrown out there - like a verbal yelling match across the entire span of the internet. And the best part is, no one will ever win it. That's where my problem lies.

There are videos on YouTube that "coach" kids on baseball (I'm sure there are also ones for basketball and football and soccer and everything else, but I don't watch those). As somewhat of an expert on the topic, I have to say - no one should ever teach their kid anything about baseball that they learned on YouTube. Almost every video is so harmful or pigeon-holed that it is sure to do much more harm than good.

That may be off the point - but trust me, I'm getting to it. The comments on these videos are priceless. People weighing in from each and every point of view, and from what I can tell, almost no one being right about any of what they're saying. Now, a logical response might be, "Cole. Since you have knowledge of the subject, why don't you respond and try to shed light on the conversation?" But see - if you join them, then you no longer can talk about how absurd what they are doing is. And furthermore, anyone can claim to be anyone online, and people are ruthless about tearing down arguments and calling people out for being frauds.

I just think it's so funny that people get so caught up in the ramblings of other people they find it neccecary to hop online and join the conversation that made them angry in the first place. To me, it's a little bit like people constantly Tweeting or Facebooking about how they wish people would shut about the Kardashian divorce. WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOURSELF AND STOP POSTING ABOUT IT?

That's all I had for you guys today. Maybe it's ironic that I ultimately took to the internet to format this argument. But at least I didn't take it to the comment page on the nearest YouTube video - that's gotta count for something right?

First Day of Preseason

It's preseason time - for me that means putting the trips around the country and the late nights out on hold (or at least to a minimum) and getting ready for another spring training and season. Preseason, I think, is more important than any other part of our season - it allows us 4 full months to get our bodies in shape to abuse them for the 7 month season.

Our season is a long one and strenuous one. It's true that the Big League season is about a month longer, but they also get about one off day a week and travel on planes. In a profession where your money comes from your ability to use your body - you better have that instrument finely tuned.

This is what makes our job a hard one in my mind (obviously playing baseball at a professional level is also hard from a competitive standpoint). But it's more the fact that from about September to March, minor leaguers are mostly on their own to do what they want, and it's up to us to be ready for Spring Training. It's a tough thing to do to motivate yourself to get up and go to the gym 4 times a week (for anyone who has ever wanted to get into shape - you know what I'm talking about). I don't wanna give the wrong impression though, the toughest part of my life right now is going to the gym 4 times a week - I'll be just fine.

The position players may start taking grounders and swinging the bat again by now. Some in local batting cages where they're going to become a very familiar face, and some in local parks where the little fences won't help them save money on baseballs. Pitchers are mostly focusing on working out - putting on as much muscle as they can from knees to chest - getting all the power they'll inevitably use up in the months of season. When the calendar changes to 2012, you'll start seeing more and more of us playing catch, brushing the dust and cobwebs off our arms in the preverbal migration toward Spring Training.

I just wanted to post quickly about what it means to be in preseason mode. The World Series ended this past weekend (and what a great one it was) - but with hilights still playing on ESPN about six thousand minor leaguers went back to work trying to be one of the players in next year's Series. Our job may not be year round in terms of games, and we may not have normal hours. But next time you see a 20-something kid in your local gym wearing short that look like official MLB issue - he may be working at throwing a little harder, making the first step a little bit quicker, or getting last years doubles over the fence in 2012.

Why Golf Drives Me Crazy

In my expansive amount of time in the off season, I've decided to take up golf. This was supposed to be a fun endeavor that would be as easy as playing Tiger Woods on my XBox. Not so.

I've been an athlete my entire life, and for some reason the simple act of hitting a ball thats laying calmly on the ground eludes me. I'll pull off the ball and miss it entirely, or jump up and just hit the very top of the ball, or my personal favorite, hit it about 50 yards straight and then watch it slice like a Mariano cutter. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hanging up the sticks yet. The feeling of hitting a ball pure is so seductive that even if I just hit one ball well out of an entire range bucket - I'm still gonna go back for more. I would just like to point out the difference in how easy it looks and how hard it is. 

I don't think this really applies to any other sport. The moves that DRose pulls on a basketball court look really hard to me. Kobe going up and under looks really impressive and by watching I know I can't do that. Ray Lewis pummeling some poor WR crossing over the middle is enough for me never to want to play in the NFL, and I simply can't skate well enough (plus I like my teeth) to play in the NHL. Basically that leaves baseball (which although I can do - I rarely think looks like something someone could just pick it up) and soccer (which seems easy in theory and then just exhausting in practice).

Then you have golf. I don't think just cause some guys on TV can do it, I can drive 350. I don't think I can make shots over a tree with backspin that fades around a helicopter and hits the flag - that's not what I was misunderstood about. The misunderstanding comes when I figured that because I can hit a baseball pretty well, I should darn sure be able to hit a tiny little golf ball while it just sits there. And let me tell you, when you can't hit it - there is nothing more taunting about a golfball that you just swung and missed at. I'm pretty sure if you listen closely you can hear it say "Na Nana Nana Naaaa. You can't hit meeee."

But now I've been cured of this idea that it's easy and have now joined the ranks of all the other desperate humans determined to prove to themselves that they're not so unatheletic that they can't play what looks like the easiest game in the world. I think at the end of the day, that's what draws people to golf. Not the open air, or the spacious courses, or the good times with friends - its the nagging thought that anyone who can walk and chew gum at the same time should have the wherewithal to hit a ball in a straight line at a little flag a few hundred yards away. 

The X Factor

I'm almost over the X Factor guys. It's almost lost me, tomorrow's episode better blow me out of my socks - or I'll join basically everyone else who just doesn't care anymore. For those of you that watch the show, you might know why I'm ranting about this - but for those that don't, please let me explain it to you.

I used to tune in to the show to watch people sing beautifully and watch as people were publicly ridiculed for being ridiculous (basically my perfect show). But now that it's gone past the auditions, and to the judges homes, I've basically become bored. For a little bit, I was into it, but now the songs are boring and the excitement of having someone just blow the doors off a concert hall with their voice is gone.

Finally, the most reason last week's episode might be my last is the fact that it took the producers two full hours to drop 16 people out of 32. Do you know how long it would take me to tell 16 people that they're not gonna make it? I could do it in 3 seconds.

"Alright, you 16 aren't coming. Everyone else - start singing for 5 Million dollars."

This was not the way the X Factor producers decided to do it. They decided to see how long they could keep a camera on someones face without them doing anything. There must have been 15 minutes of just watching people stare at one another. I've never  seen such a brilliant waste of time as I've seen in these last couple weeks of X Factor. The also keep introducing each person by showing footage that people have already seen (usually of their past auditions), and then instead of just letting us watch the news, they let the whole interaction take the better of 5 minutes of air time.

If tomorrow's episode doesn't straighten up - I'm over the show. I'll move on to something else and maybe watch the YouTube clips if I hear someone sang something really amazing. But I'm over watching a 2 hour show that has about 20 minutes of real action in it. Plus, I'm kinda disappointed if these 16 people are really the best in the nation. That's just a poor showing.

HGTV

I've been hooked. I have fallen in love with HGTV and now, instead of cartoons or sports center when I wake up - I watch HGTV. Also, sports center sucks nowadays. I watched the World Series, I don't need the hilights. Football this far from Sunday is boring cause it's just people yelling at each over points that no one cares about in the first place. And I can't pronounce any of the Hockey players names.

I woke up this morning and a show called "Design on a Dime" was on. I've now been watching it for close to an hour (apparently it's one of those shows that they just run for 9 hours in the morning). For those of you who don't know the show, the premise is that a HGTV personality is brought in and asked to redesign a room in a house for one thousand dollars (NOT a dime, which is ten cents still). With that being the case - let me point out some things I saw.

1. Cost -
The show has 3  people that are leading up the renovation, and all of them are professional craftsmen and decorators or designers. This may strike you as obvious because after all, it is a show on TV and professionals make the best workers. But here is my concern - when I have a guy that is constructing a wooden lodge-type chandelier out of drift wood he "found" and floral wire, I have a problem understanding how it would cost me 45 bucks to do the same thing. No sir, it's only 45 bucks worth of materials maybe, but what would it cost to have you build it? Cause while you were learning how to bejewel a chandelier I was learning what do with a bunt down the third base line with men on first and second and one out.

I get that the whole show is based on the pretense that these types of renovations don't have to be as expensive or intrusive as one might think and "anyone can have their dream house". But in reality - you would need to hire 3 very motivated, connected, and talented professionals to come do the work for you , which I'm sure will put you over your $1000 total right off the bat. I don't know how to build a subfloor, so it won't cost me 80 dollars.

2. "Faux"
Faux means fake. That's what that means. It's French, and the English translation is 'fake'. Now, some people may be well aware of that fact - but it appears that no one on this show is. I've never seen people more excited about their "faux rock wall". Ummmmm - that means that someone hung vinyl wall paper up with ugly pictures of "rocks" on it. That does not mean you just got a piece of the Louvre to bring home. But hey, French is a nice language and it it brings a smile to these people's faces then it's good for TV and good for the show. Just remember, "omnia dicta fortiori, si dicta Latina" (look it up).


3. Reaction
Most of the time the people love the space and truly, the designers did a really good job, but I secretly hope that someone comes into the room and just vomits on the floor in disgust. I think it would be so funny to see the look on someones face when they've been completely betrayed by what their house just turned into  - and maybe even more priceless would be the look on the host's face as he tried to convince them that they'd like it eventually and this is exactly what they wanted. I'm just weird like this, I'm also PRAYING that one day when the mascot races the little kid around the bases - he beats the beats the kid by an entire base length. *For those of you who have never been to a minor league baseball game - that last sentence didn't make any sense*


Thanks for tuning in, as always. I'm back in LA now, and will probably only be posting a couple times a week now (I can hear you cry). As always, if you have any questions or comments, go ahead and leave them on the blog or email me at colecook.soc@gmail.com. 


Have fun out there. 

Cole vs. Phiten

Phiten is not real. I don't mean that it doesn't exist. It's obviously a real company and I think a brilliant marketing scheme. I mean it doesn't do anything.

"But I did the balance test in a mall one time and I totally was better with it on."
OH MY GOD! You were better at balancing once you knew someone was going to push you over?!?! That is brilliant! In no way is that basic human instinct to resist falling - that's magical ionized Phiten metal goodness. There are no necklaces you can wear that will make you into an athlete. There are necklaces you can wear that make you look like an idiot. Braided "team color" Phiten being the best example.

"Hey Cole, what about all the athlete that endorse it and swear it helps them?"
That's a good point. Because all athletes really do use the things they endorse, not only that - that product is most likely what got them to level they're at today. No. That's not true. I was being sarcastic. An athlete's endorsement does not make something good. If you don't believe me, go try to buy the Nike glove that Halladay uses. Ya, it doesn't exist. That's a Rawlings cut that has a Nike swoosh sewn on it. Still not convinced? How bout this - McDonalds is an official sponsor of the US Olympic Team. Really? Is Michelle Kwan snacking on a 6 piece before doing a routine? No chance. Just cause athletes use it doesn't mean it's real.

"I feel better when it's on."
Yes. That may be true. But if I took your Phiten band and replaced it with one that looked the same but didn't have any magic metal in it - would you still be as magically "enhanced"? This is a perfect example of the placebo affect people. And that, unlike Phiten, is a real thing and has proved by the scientific method. Phiten proves that you will wear a really ugly bracelet if it has a Red Sox logo on it. Also, for anyone that, like me, that has worn a necklace everyday for an extended period of time, if it broke, you'd feel really weird without it on. Kind of like when people say they feel "naked" when they're not wearing their favorite ring or something. It's the same thing!!! People get used to things, and it makes them feel more comfortable - but there's no necklace that's gonna improve your balance.

Don't trust athletes about this stuff. We're talking about a group of people who won't wash their underwear, or only eat chicken if they think it's helping them win. But I don't see people getting on those trains. But hey, if you think it helps then its more than doing it's job. All I'm saying is this - don't expect it to make it run faster and jump higher.

We all know that only Benny's PF Flyers do that.

Fast-food Fly-By

On my way to and from the field, I pass about 5 different fast food places (in a 7 minute drive). Today, as I was driving home (yea, I get done with work at 10:30,  doesn't everyone?) I started to think to myself the different types of fast-food and then the different images each one is trying to portray. If you will - join me on my mental excursion.

Everyone knows these guys, the golden arches that mean you won't be following your diet today. McDonalds was so vilified by "Supersize Me" that decided to "change their image". Awwwww, that's adorable. They didn't really change did they? They added "smoothies" and "healthy options" and tried to make their restaurants a better place to hang out - but lets be honest, it's still poison for you body. I don't care if I'm eating a big mac in seedy busstop McDonalds where you can't put the food on the table because it will immediately get contaminated, or if I'm eating it in a two story McDonalds in Santa Monica with a view of the ocean (ya, that exists). The food is still sooooooo bad for you. McDonald's fries used to be the best ever, and now it's like ordering salt with a side of fried potato, its revolting. And my personal favorite, they're trying to take back all the morning people that left to go to Starbucks with the McCafe. Rearry? McCafe? That's the best you got? First off - this is sugar with coffee and cream (the Beastie Boys would be so proud) and second - drinking this does not make me feel like "me time", it makes me "look for the nearest bathroom". Come on McDonalds, you can dress it up all you want - at the end of the day all you're doing is putting frosting on a turd and calling it a cupcake. No sale.

I actually like BK. For me, its just more honest about the poison it's feeding me. I think the stackers are delicious and that gets me going. Also - if you're my age, then you remember when Dane Cook was funny and wasn't "acting" and did the BK Lounge bit, that's good stuff. For my money - I think BK has the best fries in the business right now, but their dessert menu SUCKS. Really, their shakes are just no bueno, and I've never actually seen anyone buy those little cakes they have out. I also like the fact that they got rid of "the King" in order to start showing the "flame broiled" side of Burger King. They did this in an attempt to keep up with the evolving market and keep in stride with the "healthy alternatives".  PS - to any fast-food executives reading this (yes, I know there aren't any). Saying that a burger has gaucolmole on it, or calling it the "California", or using words like "fresh", doesn't make it healthy. That's not how that works.

Stop. Making. The. "Burger God". Commercials. For those who have read my blog before, you may remember my take on the Listerine Commercial from a few weeks back - Carl's Jr is waaaayyyyy worse. Remember the one where they just had Paris Hilton washing a car and then taking one "bite" of a burger? Number one - your food is so bad that you don't advertise it. You can't come up with anything good to say, so you just try to get guys to do the math that Carl's Jr = Paris Hilton. Number two - this is the best acting Paris has ever done. She really sold that she was eating in this commercial, when it's obvious she hadn't eaten in weeks. Carl's Jr is the place you go when you've been driving for 8 hours, and you just passed a sign that said "no food for 400 miles". At that point, if you can't salvage from the land, you can crawl into a CJ and hope for the best. By the way - don't even get me started on this "Green Borrito" business - that place makes Taco Bell look like dinner at the Palm.

I look at Wendy's like the forgotten little sister of the fast food family. I never eat here, their burgers are square. That's not cool. Given, I would eat here before CJ, and frosties are amazing, and they do a good job with the Baconator (how could you mess it up with that amazing name). But then they start doing stuff like "we make baked potatoes" "we use sea salt" "we have chinese food". Stop it. Stooooooopppp. You're fast food, just give me a cheeseburger and regular  fries. No I don't want to hear about your specials, I'm late for going home and playing X Box.

The crown jewel. This place is the best. I love J in the B. I really do believe the ultimate cheeseburger is one of the best burgers out there - that thing is money sauce. And they also changed their fries, so they're amazing now - which is great. I'm not saying it's any better for you. Basically it's all the same garbage, but Jack In the Box has a really good menu - super diverse and it all tastes good to me. Anyone reading this on the east coast will have no idea what I'm talking about, so if the beaches and general awesomeness weren't enough of a reason to visit California, come for the culinary explosion that is Jack In The Box.