The Way I See Boyz II Men

I was listening to Spotify radio on the subway a couple days ago and Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love To You", came on. It's a song I've heard many times before and one I really enjoy, but when I heard it the other day, I had a different take on it.

For those of you who haven't heard the song, here's a link to the music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV8vB1BB2qc. You should definitely give it a listen before you keep reading, it helps if you can kinda "sing" Boyz II Men's lines. 

Also, if you want to take the advanced class, you can have Boyz II Men sing their "lines", and then read the lines of the "Woman" in the corresponding empty spaces. That may be a little hard, and might work better after you've already read it once or twice (or 15 times) on your own. 

Anyway, as I listened to the song I started to imagine Boyz II Men (who is just one person for the sake of this scene) singing this song to a woman they had brought over. 

I think the scene would go a little something like this:

Boyz II Men
Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight...

Woman
This is so romantic.
I'm really happy you invited me over.

B2M
For tonight is just your night
We're gonna celebrate...

Woman
It feels so good to hear you say that. 
We deserve a little bit of a celebration.

B2M
Pour the wine. Light the fire.
Girl, your wish is my command...

Woman
No other men would do this for me. 
They just want sex all the time.

B2M
I submit to your demands
I'll do anything, girl you need only ask...

Woman
I want to go to Paris with you. 
I want to introduce you to my parents.
I want to bring you to my sister's baby shower.

B2M
I'll make love to you
Like you want me to...

Woman
What?

B2M
And I'll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I'll make love to you
When you want me to...

Woman
It's not the timing of it. It's more that
 I didn't wish for that. 

B2M
And I will not let go
'Till you tell me to...

Woman
That's REALLY creepy.

B2M
Girl relax, let's go slow...

Woman
I would love to go slow. If you promise 
to go slow, I promise to try to relax.

B2M
I ain't got no where to go...

Woman
I do! I have work in the morning!

B2M
I'm just gonna concentrate on you
Girl are you ready? It's gonna be a long night...

Woman
What happened to taking it slow?
I kinda want to leave...

B2M
Throw your clothes on the floor
I'm gonna take my clothes off too...

Woman
Your clothes have been off this entire time!
I was gonna say something - it's a bit off-putting.

B2M
I've made plans to be within you...

Woman
Are you fucking hearing yourself?

B2M
Girl whatever you ask me, you know I could do...

Woman
Could you put on pants? Could 
you ask about my day?

B2M
I'll make love to you
Like you want me to...

Woman
Nope.

B2M
And I'll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I'll make love to you 
When you want me to...

Woman
I feel this has taken a turn for the worse.
I actually just gonna go home.

B2M
And I will not let go
Till you tell me to...

Woman
Ok. I'm telling you to. Please let go of me.

B2M
Baby tonight is your night
And I will do you right...

Woman
We've passed that point. I'm not even
wearing panties - I was all about it. Then you 
started singing the creepiest song ever.

B2M
Just make a wish on your night
Anything that you ask 
I will give you the love of you life, your life, your life...

Woman
I think that's the problem. You assume that my wish
is for you to fuck me all night. Who told you that I 
would wish for that? It's ridiculous. 

B2M
I'll make love to you
Like you want me to...

Woman
And I'm leaving. Thank you so much. 
I know where the door is.

B2M
And I will not let go
Till you tell me to
And I'll hold you tight
Baby, all through the night
I'll make love to you
When you want me to...

The Way I See Brushes With Death

Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who's left?

.....Pete and Repeat are in a boat....

ALRIGHT! Enough hilarious jokes. This post is serious!

This week, I tell you about my recent brush with death and how I, Cole Cook, was able to escape it's cold clutches to tell the tale.

So the other day I was cutting bagels and cut my thumb.

Before we get any deeper into this epic tale of bravery, I should give you guys a touch of backstory. When I was 10, I closed a swiss army knife on my finger while trying to whittle an incense holder out of a piece of driftwood (that's the hippy-est thing I've ever said). I limped upstairs (I don't know why I was limping), almost passed out, and my brother and uncle laughed at me. When I was in high school, I went with my sister to give blood. I almost passed out again and my little sister laughed at me.

So flash forward to Tuesday night. I'm in my kitchen. I'm not wearing a shirt. I've got one bagel in the toaster and I'm cutting a second one while singing along with Alanis Morissette. Basically - I'm being a badass.

Then, approximately 15 seconds after thinking, "I probably shouldn't be cutting towards my hand." I cut into my left thumb. I throw the knife in the sink, stomp my foot, scream "FUCK!", put my thumb in my mouth, and start jumping around my apartment.

It's the worst cut in the history of the world. I can see the bone. I don't have a thumb anymore. I'm gonna die. I wish I would have visited Machu Picchu. My brother can have my Xbox One. Someone clear my browser history.

Against all odds, and to the surprise of the global medical community, I'm able to make it to the bathroom (hold the applause for the end, please). It's at this point that I start talking to myself.

"Alright Cookie. We're okay. It's okay. It's just a cut. We're gonna be fine. You taste blood, but that's okay. There's no pain in my hand. We're okay. Breathe, baby. Breathe. Gotta take a look at it. We gotta see what's going on, brother."

Reminder: I am talking TO MYSELF. Who the fuck is "we"? Why am I talking to myself as if I'm talking to another person? Why do I use pet names with myself? All of these questions are important and worth asking, and I have an answer to exactly none of them.

I unlock my jaws, and spit out a mouthful of red before looking down. What used to be a perfectly useful thumb is now a faucet of blood. I grab a fistful of Charmin and wrap my thumb up, closing my fingers around it. I don't have band-aids in my apartment, and I suddenly remember being in CVS a couple weeks ago and thinking, "Why would I need bandaids?" Well... in case you cut your fucking thumb open, Cole.

Now my thumb is "bandaged" and I'm okay. I have survived. Then, on the walk from the bathroom to the living room (which is about 7 feet since I live in New York), this happens:

Step 1: I think about how much blood I just saw.
Step 2: My entire body gets hot.
Step 3: My eyes lose focus and start trying to focus on EVERYTHING. It's like when you click on someone's face when you're taking a picture, and your iPhone focuses on four different things before settling on the face. It's like that - but without the settling part.
Step 4: I close my eyes, cause obviously that will help.
Step 5: All sense of balance leaves me. Just gone.
Step 6: Hands on your knees! Hands on your knees! (Like the song. Get it?)
Step 7: I start to breath like I'm in a Lamaze Class.
Step 8: I get through it. I'm okay. I'm not gonna think about my hand.
Step 9: I look down at my thumb. (I don't know why I did this)
Step 10: I'm in the fetal position, on the floor.

For those of you that are just joining the story (which should be no one, just scroll up and read the first couple paragraphs), I am on the floor, I am bleeding, I am half naked, I have Charmin Ultrasoft wrapped around my thumb, and I can't open my eyes.

Anyone wanna date me? No? Alriiiiiiiiight.

There's a certain type of feeling that accompanies being curled up, on the floor, shirtless, bleeding, disoriented and still listening to Alanis Morissette. That feeling is shame. Shame with a nice helping of helplessness and a side of emasculation.

So I just lay on the floor, cradling my thumb. Nothing else to do but wait this out, let the feeling pass.  Slowly, the world stops spinning (actually, the world keeps spinning, my head just stops spinning), and I make it to a seated position. I get my feet under me, finally find a fucking shirt, and start making my way to CVS.

In any other city in the world, a guy cradling his hand wrapped in bloody toilet paper is alarming. In New York, people don't even notice. I walk (I think I was walking, but I was probably stumbling) three city blocks with the world's worst first aid on my hand, and no one even looks at me.

I get to CVS (where STILL no one cares that I have a blood-soaked wad of toilet paper on my hand) and ditch the Charmin for a band aid. By this time, the bleeding has already stopped, and I get my first good look at the cut - it's about a centimeter long and clean, not deep at all - it's gonna heal in about two days. Band aid on, I'm ready to take on the world again.

However, instead of doing that, I buy four quarts of Ben & Jerry's ice cream (American Dream, Red Velvet, Cookie Dough, and Chocolate Fudge Brownie, for those who are interested) and go home to watch Netflix.

I think you would all agree that I deserve it.

The Way I See Online Dating

Welcome to the second posting of The Way I See It! For those of you that tuned in last week, congrats on making it back, give yourself a gold star. For those of you that weren't here last week - what the fuck was so important that you couldn't read my stupid blog? What? Do you have a job or something?

This week, we're talking about online dating. Online dating is very similar to pooping in the sense that everybody does it, everyone knows that everybody does it, and no one talks about it with members of the opposite sex.

Online dating used to be sites like eHarmony and Match.com. Places where people looked through profiles and tried to find someone they responded to in the hopes that they would be able to build a relationship with that person. It was supposed to be for people that were too busy to date, or too old for the bar scene, or just liked eating ice cream while emailing strangers. These sites (according to their commercials) were for people looking for love.

*Quick Aside: "Looking for Love" is absurd. What do you mean you're looking for it? Is it hiding from you? People don't look for any other feelings. I've never heard anyone say that they're looking for curiosity. Also, it's a bit ironic that the only way to find love is to find someone who's also looking it. Because if you find someone who has already found love, who knows where it is, that person can no longer help you. If you still don't think it's completely ridiculous, ask yourself this question: If you were on a first date, and your date tells you that they're looking for love, how fast do you ask for the check? It's like looking for Jesus - it's fine to be doing it, but PLEASE don't talk to me about it, cause you sound insane.*

Lets get back on track.

That's what online dating used to be (if you're over 50, maybe it still is). But if you have an iPhone, and you like sex or judging people, you probably know about Tinder and it's slightly less sketchy cousin, OKCupid. There are two main difference between these two and Match & eHarmony. 1. They're primarily used as apps on smartphones. 2. They're primarily for young people.

So what does this mean for online dating as a whole? Well, it means it's gone from a place where people can "look for love," to a place where people can "find sex." Do you see the difference? It's slight, and if you want, you can go back and reread this paragraph and join us back here once you understand.

First off- I know this is gonna rub some people the wrong way; they're online and they're not just looking for someone to hook up with. My point is not that the users of these sites only want sex, rather, that these sites promote a forum where sex is all that matters. You didn't match with someone on Tinder cause you guys both like Harry Potter books, or because you both speak French. No, you're matched with someone because you like they way their picture looked. This doesn't mean that after you get matched, you can't find out that you have a lot in common and dance off into the sunset together. I'm simply reminding you that it all started because she wears the shit out of that tank top.

Still, that's not the biggest problem with online dating; women have been dealing with men who only want to sleep with them for hundreds of years, that's not a 21st century problem. The main problem is that the people on these sites think they're better than everyone else on the site. Across the board. Almost every person I've ever talked to about being on OKC or Tinder talks about it as if they're doing everyone else on there a favor. People talk about the fact that they're on Tinder like it's a mistake. As if your phone was stolen and the thief set up a profile and now you just use it every day as a joke. And if you do happen to meet someone promising, you make up anything besides the truth when people ask where you guys met. I'd rather tell people I met a women while the two of us were in jail then say that we met online.

I'll meet a woman online and a small part of me thinks I'm more interesting than her because I don't have to be dating online. I can meet people in the real world. I can go to Starbucks and start a conversation with a pretty girl and ask her to dinner - I'm only online cause it's fun. Well Cole, don't you think it's possible that the same thing applies to the pretty girl you just "met"? No! Of course not! Every other person who's on OKC is a sad sack that needs pity, and if this date doesn't work out, they may just cash it in, move into an old Victorian house, adopt 15 cats and start knitting!

The silly part is that when I meet someone online, I know that they're thinking the same thing about me. I've been on dates and have had women literally say, "You're actually totally normal." As if they accepted the date and went out with me, all the while thinking I was probably some horrible troll creature.

This is what I like to call, "The Great Dating Hypocrisy",  and it started way before online dating. I've been to bars (the old fashioned way of finding a one night stand) and met women who say that they don't like people at bars. .....YOU'RE AT A BAR! You're here, right now, sitting at a bar. How could you possibly not like people who are doing the exact same thing that you're doing? I'd always hear something about how they're only here because their friends are, or that this is the first time they've been out in months, or something else that makes very little sense and could easily apply to any other living person in the building.

That's The Great Dating Hypocrisy: people simply don't hold other people to the same standards to which they hold themselves. And it's even more prominent in online dating. The connotation of "online dating" is that it's for weird people that are somehow broken and can't find dates in the real world. But everyone is online. If you are single, why wouldn't you join a dating site? They're free and all you're doing is giving yourself more of a chance to find someone. You may have to sift through a few profiles before finding someone remotely interesting, and you'll probably have to deal with a lot of people who are terrible (like a lot, a lot), but you could also find one person that makes the whole thing worth it.

That gorgeous chick you saw walking by while you waited for the bus? She may be on Tinder. The guy who helped a little kid after he slipped and fell? He might have a profile on OKC. At this point, if you're not online, I think you're shooting yourself in the dating foot. Is it a place for people to find someone to sleep with? Absolutely. But any one of those matches could also be just the person that you're looking for. Look at it this way - you're both online, so you know you have at least one thing in common.

Online dating is both the wave of the future and still the scariest way to meet anyone, ever. It's full of people who think they shouldn't be there, but also desperately want to meet someone, because the only thing worse than looking for dates online is not finding any. So make sure you have good profile pictures, talk about what you think makes you interesting, and don't take it too seriously - you will definitely end up with some amazing stories about horrible dates, and maybe (just maybe) someone who you actually respond to. I don't know about you, but I'd wade through hundreds of profiles of nonsense to come across one person that was actually worth my time - it only takes about 5 minutes while I'm in line for Chipotle, anyway.

The Way I See It

Welcome to "The Way I See It." I'm only 25 years old and this is already my third blog! Yes, I realize that having three blogs by 25 is about as impressive as having 3 donuts by noon - but that's not gonna dampen my enthusiasm.

"Dugout Chatter" is no more - it has been overhauled and will now be "The Way I See It." Honestly, "TWISI" (I love acronyms) won't be that much different than "DC" (told you).  The main difference is that I am no longer writing as an employee of a company, and as such, I have the freedom to write about whatever I want, and to say whatever I want to about it. To that end - I'm not a huge fan of Samsung phones. How's THAT for taking a stand? In your face, Samsung. #PushingTheEnvelope

Before I continue, a little about the author (me): I retired from professional baseball in January and moved to Manhattan in April (I'll take Quarter Life Crisis for 200, Alex). I now make a living coaching, writing and bartending. There was a plan to go back to school and finish my degree, but I did not get into NYU and apparently that's a prerequisite for every class at the university. So now I'm in NYC trying my hand at writing, stand-up comedy, improv and whatever else seems interesting.

So why should you read what I write? Why come here and spend 10 minutes reading what I have to say? Truth is, I really have no idea. Here's what I HOPE: I hope you come to my page because you think I'm funny. Maybe you think my ideas are interesting, maybe you have too much free time, maybe you like reading but hate books, maybe you were searching for Alicia Keys' brother (also named Cole Cook) and now you're here, and you're still waiting for me to start talking about growing up with Alicia (sorry, I don't know her).

I'll be posting once a week, sharing my views about things like online dating, one-way streets, dogs, strippers, sharing the sidewalk, bad tattoos, good sex, jump rope, and whatever else comes to mind. The main differences I hope to implement in this go-round is to share more of my life. This blog will be a way for people to get a peek inside my head and inside my life.

Will there be cursing? Fuck yes. Will it be gratuitous? I hope not. Will there be posts about baseball? Sure, I have a couple good stories to tell. Will it be offensive? It will never be my intention to offend anyone, but accidents happen and people are touchy. Do I already have an idea for a post about the success of Radio Disney in the early 2000's? No. No, I do not.

So here it is - I'm creating (yet another) platform for my writing. I hope you guys read it (mostly because if no one is reading this, it's weird that I keep addressing the audience in these parentheticals), and moreover - I hope you share it. I hope you write me with comments, or heckles, or a subject you'd like my views on. Thank you for stopping by, and I'll have more for you guys next week.

NEXT WEEK'S TOPIC: ONLINE DATING.



Also - if you're wondering about the second blog I made, please go check out theoverheardblog.wordpress.com. It's a simple, little blog that my Mother (who is a much better writer than I am - liliflanders.com) and I started together. She and I have always been fascinated by what we overhear people saying, so we started a blog to compile some of the best quotes we hear. If you're still curious and you haven't clicked on the link above, stop using the internet. If you aren't curious, go the page anyway and stop being stubborn - it's a good time.

The Four Outcomes of Fantasy Football

Yes, I know, I have a monthly blog now. But just like the New Yorker, writing this good takes time and it can only be released once a month. In other news, I'm lazy and most of the free time I get turns into me watching Game Of Thrones cause I have yet to see a better mix of sex and dwarves in my entire life.

For those of you that follow me on twitter, or stalk me, or are in my league, you know that I had my fantasy draft on Monday.....AND I NAILED IT! It's a 14 person league, so you're not gonna have a team of all studs, and it took a little bit of research to make sure my team turned out the way I wanted - I also phoned a friend a time or two for advice.

But anyway, my awesome drafting skills aren't what this is about. I'm not here to talk about how well I did in the draft on Monday, or how I was able to pick up sleepers in the late rounds, or how I was able to make snap decisions when the player I wanted went the pick right before my own. THAT'S NOT WHY I'M WRITING!!

I'm writing today to illustrate the four possible outcomes of a Fantasy Football season (a reader of the title of the particular post may have already been privy to that information, and for that you get a gold star).

1. "The Quitter"

For all of you playing the home game, this is when you quit Fantasy Football. But it's never as simple as that, there are a lot of factors that go into "The Quitter". Usually a Fantasy Football manager will have more than one team, and just the like the wildebeests of the Serengeti, you leave the sickly child behind. If you have one team that has yet to score 80 points in a week, you may stop checking in on those guys for a month or two at a time. "The Quitter" is the worst outcome though, cause not only does that mean that you're left with a team of losers, and now have to shoulder that kind of failure, but now you're basically giving anyone that plays you a free win - starting injured players, players on a bye week, Tim Tebow - it can really be a vicious cycle.

2. "Devine Intervention"

This one is just like "The Quitter" with a twist - you leave your team to rot and for some unknown reason, you keep winning. Johnny Butterfingers who you autodrafted in the fourth round is going to win the MVP and whenever a better team plays you, no points will be put on the board at all. You wander through life without a care, grinning from ear to ear like a true idiot, while you get angry phone calls every monday from your step brother cause your Hassleback/TO combination scored 97 points. There is no fitting punishment for a "Devine Intervention" team, all you can hope to do is to figure out your buddies password and hack his account - though he still might win, God knows how.

3. "Analysis Failure"

This guy does all the research. He mock drafts every night before going to bed. He researches all the match ups and looks at the best potential for varying off weeks. He looks at his weekly opponents and drafts accordingly. He's the first one in the draft and the last one out. He has set his own player rankings in case of rolling black outs. He is a Fantasy Football master!! ....then week 1, Brady goes down with a blown knee, Calvin Johnson gets cuts for sleeping with the Coach's daughter, and Jimmy Graham decides he wants to go back to playing basketball. All his best laid plans are crumbling some kind of morbid sand sculpture. But don't fret! This man is not a quitter, he hits the waiver wire and tries to pick up some good back ups, maybe to salvage a playoff berth after all - only to have these pickups usurped by "Devine Intervention" man because "I've totally seen that guy at a bar and I thought it would be cool to have him". There is a fate worse than death, dear readers, it's being this man in a Fantasy Football league.

4. "The Winner"

After the other outcomes, this is the only other possibility. Either you crash and burn in a fiery storm of failure, or you come out the victor. There is no, "We'll at least we won our division." No, if you're not holding up the trophy at the end of the day, then it was all for not. The winner of Fantasy Football isn't always the best prepared. Or the one with the most free time to make sure all the match ups are the best they can be. It's the guy who picked the right random combination of players in the right year and had the fewest injuries and one or two late round picks that just happened to roll out of the right side of the bed for 16 games. I've played a lot of Fantasy Football and from my experience, there's not one guarantee winning strategy - you kinda just gotta close your eyes and hold on. It's like having a child, you can do everything you can to give it the best chance in the world for success, but eventually you're gonna have to ship that little guy of the first day of school, and it's gonna be up to the kid to win or lose.

Alright gang, that wraps up today's post, hope you all liked it. I realize some of you may have had no idea what-so-ever as to what I was talking about, but I tried to involve a bit of humor for the metaphorical groundlings of my blog. 

Hope y'all are having a good week, good luck in the coming school year, and as always GO TRIBE!! 

3 Days In The Booth

I know, I know - I've resurrected my blog. Apparently it hadn't walked toward the light, so I was able to nurture it back to life. Thank you to all of the people who tweeted me asking me to bring it back, it feels great to have people want to read my work. The straw that broke the camel's back was my farther calling me up yesterday and offering his condolences. I asked what he was talking about, and he replied that my blog had died, and he was sorry to hear about it. Well, Dad, you tricky little devil, it appears you're not the only one capable of trickery - for Cole Cook's Dugout Chatter may have been down, but I assure you, it's far from out.

For those of you that follow me on Twitter, or are big Carolina Mudcat fans, or have ESP, you will remember that there was a benches clearing incident last week in our series vs the Winston Salem Dash. As a result of this fight, Ronny Rodriguez, Jesus Aguilar, and myself were handed a suspension from the league. During the time that we are suspended we are not allowed to dress out or be on the field, so I took the opportunity to do something I've always kinda wanted to do anyway - announce the game on the radio. 

Our radio guy, Darren Headrick (who I'm sure doesn't like being called a "radio guy") was kind enough to let me come up in the booth with him and provide the color for the game. It was a great experience to see the game from this angle, the height of the booth adds a perspective that you don't get on the playing field and as Darren told me before the game started, you start to see plays unfold before they happen. You can tell if a play will be made in the infield, you can make pretty good guesses as to where a cutoff is going to be thrown, even if a runner is going to be safe or out when stealing. 

The first 5 innings flew by, crisp pitching performances by Jimenez and McCray didn't allow Darren and me much time for banter or story telling. But the game started to slow down, and I was surprised by just how tiring it was to fill up all that air time (a tip of the cap to Darren, who does the games by himself every night). We did start to find a rhythm by the 7th, and filled up the airtime nicely with a combination of his play by play and my color, also a little help from twitter. This is the first time in my life I've ever had a hard time coming up with things to talk about, nothing like being put on the spot I guess.

I had tweeted prior to the game that I would be taking questions from my followers and answering them in the booth, and even though things started slow, questions started to pour in as the game slowed down (that's just how cool my followers, they know when I need some help filling up air time). I had come up with the hashtag #askamudcat, but Darren came up with #tweetthebooth which was way better (and I felt he was kinda showing off by one-upping me like that). That's neither here nor there though, tonight we're gonna open the twitter streams back up and answer questions on air and on twitter that y'all ask during the game. 

I hope some of you listen tonight, tune-in online by following the link (http://64.34.190.77/MiLB/GameAudio/LiveStreamFlash/sou_carolina_mudcats) or if you're in North Carolina check out The Big Dog 98.5, or WRNS AM 960. Please tune in, and tweet us questions (@C_M_Cook and @Darren_Headrick) for us to answer, even after one day on the air I'm starting to realize that taking up an entire radio broadcast is hard work.

That's all for today folks. Sorry there was so much down time between blogs, life has a way of getting in the way from time to time, but I know you guys like reading them so I will try my best to get back on some sort of consistent posting schedule. Until then, tune in tonight, listen to a little bit of Mudcats Baseball and tweet me questions. Have a great week, be happy Monday is already come and gone, and GO TRIBE.

Baseball How To #2

Baseball How To #2: Getting Ejected

As promised, I am continuing my three part "Baseball How To" series. Even though they are published about a week apart, they still count as the same series, think of it like the season finale of "The Office" which apparently is never going to happen, or already has happened and I just didn't notice cause that show has gone downhill faster than a Swiss skier.

Today's topic will cover the various way to (and not to) get yourself removed from a baseball game. These are only the ones that apply to players and managers, so don't come here looking for a way to get yourself evicted from watching a game. I have never been ejected from a game, but I've been around a good amount of it and I can tell you - there are certain do's and don'ts.

1. The "Bull Durham"

For anyone who has seen the movie, you know where I'm going with this one. There are certain things you just can't say to an umpire, and if you do, you're gonna get tossed. The interesting thing about this particular point is that if you don't point the insult directly at the umpire, you actually might be ok. You could say, "That was a c*&$*%ing call." That's okay, you're allowed to show your disapproval if you do it in a way that doesn't go directly after the umpire, but as soon as you turn the insults against them, you're gonna spend the rest of the game watching from the clubhouse TV. 

2. The Point

Don't. Ever. Point. Umpires are prideful creatures, they don't wanna get shown up after they make a call, even if the call is horrible. You can turn to an umpire and tell him that you think he should move to France and become a mime, that he couldn't see a freight train if it was parked in his living room, that he has a better chance of calling Sonny Bono than calling this game. But never point. The crowd can't hear what you're saying to an umpire, but EVERYONE can see when you point. As soon as that finger extends, or that bat reaches out - you're getting tossed like cob salad. 

3. Can't Drop, Won't Drop

This one usually applies to managers, and it happens when they just will not drop a bad call. For those of you that watch baseball habitually, you're are likely to have seen an Umpire eject a manager seemingly randomly, maybe in the middle of an at-bat and usually while they are in the safety of their own dugout. Let me shed some light on this issue for you. What you are not seeing as you watch Sunday Night Baseball is the manager or pitching coach jawing at the umpire for the past 15 minutes, harassing him on every call he makes. The pelting of words can be relentless, and ballplayers are really good at being petty and mean when the situation calls for it. If a manager comes out and argues a call, that's part of the game - he's showing support for his team, and letting the umpire know that he thinks a mistake has been made. But after he returns to his coaching box, or the dugout, that's to be the end of it. When it's not, when the manager, coach or player will just not drop that bone, that's when you're gonna get run.

These three points come in a variation of different shapes and sizes, but more often than not, an ejection comes as a result of one of these three. I hope I was able to shed some light on why, and sometimes why not, people get thrown out of baseball games - there's more to it than just someone's feeling....usually.

Today was a short one, but think of it as a pitcher's duel - lots of ground balls, action early in the count, and you look up 100 minutes later and you're in the bottom of the 9th. Thanks for reading as always, and I hope everyone is having a good start to their summer. Please follow me on twitter (@C_M_Cook) and email me with anything that comes to mind, maybe with the exception of boyfriend problems (colecook.soc@gmail.com). Besides that, be safe out there and GO TRIBE!!